I have vivid recollections of a time when I battled depression. To be more clear; for about 8 hours, every Sunday afternoon and into the evening, I battled the feeling of a dark cloud. This came as quite a surprise. It was a new development….and I was disappointed. As a Mental Health Worker, wasn’t I supposed to be the one who “knew how to avoid” such things? Yes, I was 30 years old when my Sundays became ruined. I knew the wheels were coming off when two different phenomena began to emerge: The things I used to love on Sundays were getting associated with a stifling “heavy blanket” feeling and I began avoiding any thoughts of returning to work in the morning.
At this point in my life, I had been a Detroit Lions fan for about 20 years. I may have claimed them as “my team” before then, but I can’t say that I really had a grasp of what it all meant until around 4th grade.. My love for my team was very much inherited. My grandfather saw our Lions win four championships. My father witnessed 3 of them; but none after the age of 13. Their last Championship was also 13 years before I was born, and now I was 30 and they had one playoff win in that 43 year span. The greatest human highlight reel made us proud, in the Honolulu Blue and Silver. But, even the great Barry Sanders couldn’t rescue my Sundays. I can not help but recall how the NFL Sunday Show theme music became associated with my depression. As soon as I heard the “ba, bada ba; bada ba; bada ba, ba, baaaaaaaaa”, I could feel my breath becoming heavier, the lights dimming a bit and a churn in my stomach. And I knew… I knew it wasn’t JUST because my team was about to lose again. I knew there was more going on within myself. And, truthfully, I WANTED to enjoy the game and my time with my family. My happiness was not, otherwise, particularly associated with my team’s ability to win. Honestly. I would still be a fan on Monday if we did “Lions things” and snatched a loss out of the clutches of victory yet again today. This “heavy blanket” over me left me feeling like a sitting duck, the longer I sat still.
During this peculiarity, I did what many of us would do; I analysed myself to death. “What’s my deal?”. And, I judged myself hard; “Knock it off”. I remember doing things to TRY to “knock it off”. I would refuse to sit. This DID help a bit, to be honest. But, it drove other people crazy and the gloom persisted. Other times, I would excuse myself to go to the bathroom and just wash my face and hands. It didn’t hurt the situation for sure, but there was no magic to be found. The truth is; when it comes to caring well for self, there seldom is ever a “magical something” that will have any long-lasting positive effects. So, rather than soothing myself and finding a way to “perform better”, I realized that I needed to wrestle with a deeper part within myself. I did this by contemplating; “What am I afraid of?” and its question-cousin; “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”. This is what led me to the observation that I had been coping with a stressful work environment by denying my feelings. So, instead of enjoying restful Sundays, I was stuck in a murky, nauseating sense of looming doom.
So, the work I do can, indeed, be stressful. And, in this particular season, I was working in a situation that seemed to be a set-up to fail. As a result, I was also being set up to feel that I was failing. And, I knew all of this was true, but I had a family to provide for with another child on the way. I felt stuck. I still believed in the work I was doing, but I just did not want to return on Monday. Because of this, I was avoiding things that would remind me of my employment. I would not talk about it, think about it or try to solve it. The solution “seemed” to be to deny it was an entity at all. And, for some strange reason, it worked very well all day on Saturday. In fact, Sunday mornings were almost always, also, very emotionally light and bright. But then, 1pm would come around and the “ba, bada ba” of the NFL theme song would begin and…..it would start again.
Perhaps you relate to this phenomenon. Maybe you have been stuck in this cycle for years. I certainly could have been. I would first like to emphasize that you are NOT going crazy. This actually is a thing. It does happen. It shows that you have a high level of integrity in your work and life and that ”something” that you cannot control is awry. And no, this is not, in itself, an indication that it’s time to quit your job or become a monk. But, of course, you would like to begin to feel more free and less burdened. I am not suggesting that the reason the “Sunday Sucks” found me is the same reason that they have found you. I AM, however, suggesting that there are two steps that will likely evaporate a significant portion of the burden and heaviness your heart is carrying. And…this is what worked wonders for me.
First: Shake it UP! Whatever the Sunday routine is, it is clear that it is not treating you well. And, if it does not settle well….stop it. The mind has a way of creating connections and expectations within itself. So, if it hears the NFL music, it just might be telling itself, “It’s time to bring on the depression”. When and if this pronouncement gets made within the mind (from your Amygdala) the parts that receive that message are simply enacting their orders. So, what happens if the General does not send the order? Well, the chemicals that the brain uses to subdue us into a deep and somber place are never secreted. I would encourage creativity when determining how to switch things up. And, I would also offer that, for me, getting into nature played a big role. A new Sunday routine is your first step. Keep in mind that ANY changes made will affect the whole of your experience. So, feel free to “tweak” or to make “wholesale” changes. It’s really up to you to experiment with.
Secondly, make sure you’re finding time to process and explore your feelings, fears and desires in a safe space. It is generally important to have a routine to do this alone before sharing your findings with those who care about you. During this time, focus on understanding your own personal agenda, strategy and choice. Try to focus on the mantras you will establish for yourself. I recall a mantra that served me well: “I’ll be there on Monday because I’m not done. But, it won’t be long until I am.” It generally helps to commit our whole selves to “small bites” and short amounts of time, rather than large, ominous unknowns. “Hey, if they play their cards right, I might be around for a while”. These kinds of statements and self talk are a sure sign that we are ready to be unstuck and more greatly able to engage with whatever Monday has in store. If scratching the surface on the concepts of self awareness and self care is awakening something in you, please consider inviting one of our Synergy Therapists along on your discovery and growth. We consider it a great privilege and honor to be with you in your story.
