Everyday Curiosity
One of the greatest gifts we have as humans is our curiosity. Humans desire to learn, understand, and expand our understanding of the world. It’s in our very nature.
Asking your partner or child(ren) how their day was, wanting to know the latest song from our favorite artist, watching that new TV series everyone is talking about, visiting a relative or friend you haven’t seen in-person in a while, getting fresh gossip from your coworker, and reading that new self-help book that everyone says will absolutely change your life are just a few examples of the many ways we experience curiosity every single day. Curiosity provides everyday beauty to our increasingly busy lives.
That being said, our curiosity is not a constant we can become more curious or less curious in our daily lives for many different reasons. I know that some days when I
come home, I have zero curiosity left in me and negative desire to speak to anyone about anything other than what’s absolutely necessary to go to bed. I don’t feel bad about this, and you shouldn’t either. That can sometimes simply be what’s necessary to survive in the world as it is today. AND if that’s how our life always is, we are losing out on one of the most enriching and beautiful things our life can offer.
Curiosity And Cats
Not being heard or understood feels bad. It feels really bad. Like really, really bad. Especially when you want nothing more than to just feel heard. When you want nothing
more than to just feel like someone gets it. And when that feeling comes up in your intimate relationships with your girlfriend, husband, life partner, whatever your name for it that can be some of the worst pain a human can feel, emotionally or otherwise. Please understand that what I am about to share takes this into consideration – not being
understood sucks. No doubt on that whatsoever. Not being understood, especially when we most want to, is a terrible feeling.
What if not being understood wasn’t as bad as it felt, though?
Okay – let me explain. I am not trying to justify anyone in your life not listening to you. Please note, I did not say, “what if being heard wasn’t as bad as it felt, though?” I said,
“Understood.” These two ideas are very heavily linked, if you hear your partner, you’re infinitely more likely to understand them than if you plug your ears and go, “La la la la.”
That being said, hearing and understanding are two different ideas. Here’s some proof: Go to Google translate and pick a language neither you nor your partner speak.
Translate three random sentences and read them to your partner and have your partner repeat what you said back to them. Try to get them to say it as close as possible to what you said. Did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Could they say what you said in a different way and be correct? Maybe you felt understood because your partner put effort into listening to you and doing this exercise, but I am betting that they did not take away anything substantial from your actual words.
The Benefit of Not Knowing
Curiosity is about our desire to know and understand. We can only be curious about things that we do not fully understand, and when we are curious and learn more, we gain
something, we add something to our lives. So, it can be with our intimate relationships.
Here’s a challenge for you: The next time your partner indicates you don’t
understand them, take them at their word and put on your detective hat. Pretend you, in fact, do not understand what they’re talking about at all (even if you feel 100% confident you do). Truly be the detective. Gather evidence, understand motives, and put together the story from beginning to end.
Once you have gathered all of the information you think you need, ask your partner if you can try to speak as if you are them for a moment. Attempt to take their position – and
I mean this literally, pretend you’re not yourself, pretend you’re your partner and speak as if you are them – and show them that you can make their argument for them as (or nearly as) effectively as they can. If you cannot, you have more to understand. You have more to be curious about. And try to be curious until you can make that argument for them.
I guarantee you’ll learn something new and realize you didn’t understand your partner as well as you thought you did. * And when you learn it, you’ll have a deeper and
more meaningful connection with your partner than you did before. I recommend offering this exercise to your partner before you ask your partner to do it for you. One of you has to be curious first, and I recommend that you show that curiosity to your partner so your partner has as excellent of a reason as they could have to do the same.
We all have more to know and understand, and we can view lacking knowledge and understanding as an opportunity to grow our intimate relationships. Not knowing or
understanding everything isn’t a flaw, it’s an opportunity for curiosity.
Good luck and stay curious!
/trent-morell-lmft
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*I will put one specific disclaimer. Some partners use phrases like, “you don’t understand me,” not as a way to actually say that they don’t feel understood. This statement can
instead, be about something like wanting to feel like an authority figure or be an automatic response to indicate frustration at their difficulty at expressing themselves, amongst some other possible alternatives. I strongly recommend assuming best case scenario before jumping to an alternative, though. Curiosity will be beneficial for you in that if you can understand your partner, and they say as much, but they still don’t feel understood, you can know that there’s something else going on.
